I went to her house to take her out, a movie or something, I can’t remember.  However, while I was waiting in her parents’ living room for her to get ready, I lit up a cigarette (filter-less, because I’m a badass).  I couldn’t find an ashtray, but I found this little old trunk in the next room so I brought it out into the living room to put my ashes in, big mistake.  Little did I know that the chick’s grandfather was an archaeologist and he stole the trunk from the Nazis.  It turned out to be the Ark of the Covenant. Upon opening it the forces of Yahweh were released.  It didn’t go medieval on everyone’s ass, it went biblical.  Everyone in the house had their souls sucked out of their eyes.  Except for me.  Being a soulless atheist, I was left alone.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  After everyone was killed and had their souls sucked to hell, the entity separated into God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  They had nothing to do, so we all went to a local bar and got blasted together.  God can really fucking drink.  And Jesus can really make some good wine.  (Although the owner was pissed we were drinking for free.  That bastard starting charging us for the water to make the wine.)  The Holy Spirit was just freaky.  It’s just an ethereal cloudish type thing.  If you look right at it, you can’t see it. You only sort of feel its presence when you glance at it out of the corner of your eye.  I don’t know for sure, but I swear every time I went to the bathroom it’d come in and watch.  Freaky.

At first it was fucking awesome hanging out with the creator of the universe.  He had the best fucking stories. Like, I bet you didn’t know that dinosaurs farted helium!  God thought that if farts were lighter than air, they’d float away and we’d never have to smell them.  Awesome, right?  But after a while God started talking about how he loves “fucking with the jews.” “I enslaved them in Egypt, I got them lost in the desert, I gave them fucked up dietary laws, I killed 6 million of them, and I never even gave their belief system a heaven, but they still pray to me.  Suckers.”

It got kinda weird after that, so I tried to bring Jesus into the conversation and asked him why there is always so much suffering in Africa. God interrupted Jesus and loudly said, “Oh, I just fucking hate niggers. Worst fucking mistake I ever made.” He then stood up and thew a heavy glass pitcher of beer at a waitress killing her instantly.  He yelled out, “I gave you life and I can take it away, bee-atch.”  He tried to give me a high-five, but I pretended like I didn’t see his hand up.  He sat back down and glared at me.  If I had a soul, I would have been so dead right then.

I looked over at Jesus.  I could tell he was really bothered by his dad.  He sat there with his head bowed down sobbing a little bit into his hands.  I asked him if he wanted to get out of there.  We went to a restaurant I knew about.  We were sitting in the back and just shooting the shit.  Talking about his life and some really cool stuff.  But finally he got real quiet and starting crying.  He finally looked up at me told me that God sent his mom to hell. 

I asked, “I thought she gave birth to you without sin?”  He replied, “Oh she lived without sin, but she died without being baptized.  I tried to talk dad out of sending her to hell, but he said, ‘rules are rules.’  So she’s in hell now and every day she’s forced to drink lava until she horribly melts away. I try not to think about it.  It’s just horrible to watch.”

Jesus kept talking, “The reason why there’s so much suffering in the world is because my dad’s a first class ass.  You know why the dinosaurs died off?  Because he wanted to watch ‘em die.  He thought it would “funny,’ his exact word.”  Jesus then asked if he could crash at my place because he wanted to get away from his dad for a while.  Of course I said yes.  He stayed about a month before going to back to heaven.

While he was living with me he taught me some pretty cool guitar licks, although I’ve long since forgotten most of them.  (I really should have recorded them.)  However, one sounded almost exactly like Stairway to Heaven, but it was played in a different key.  He was really proud of it, so I didn’t say anything about him ripping off Jimmy Page.  He also made me a dog out of clay.  It only lived a few months, though.  I still have the clay packed away in the attic.  I wasn’t sure if I should have buried it or not.  It seemed kind of weird burying clay.

I really felt bad for him, having such an ass for a father, but I was kind of glad he finally left.  You wouldn’t believe the trash he’d bring home to fuck.  The guy has no standards at all.  I still have nightmares about that last threesome he talked me into. 

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Fiona: Michael, any news on the people who burned you?

Michael: I’m supposed to get a call from someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me.

Sam: Mike, while we wait for that, (Sam rolls his eyes), I want you to meet someone, he has a problem.

Michael: What kind of problem?

Sam: Someone has his money and he needs us to get it back.

Fiona: Can’t we just put a bullet in this creep’s head?

Sam: Calm down Fi, let’s talk to him first. We’re meeting him at the bar on Fifth. We can order some more mojitos.

Michael: I’m trying to track down the people who burned me. I can’t get back in until I solve this. I don’t have the time to help every person who comes my way.

Sam: Michael, he has a young child.

(Close up of Michael’s distraught face.)

Michael: Let’s go.

Sam: Well, we don’t have to leave yet, we have a few hours before the meet.

Michael: Look, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to be in charge. We’re going to do this my way.

Sam: Sure Mike, you’re the boss.

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona walk out of Michael’s loft in slow-mo.)

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona pull up to the bar in Michael’s GTO. They get out of the vehicle in slow-mo. The camera pans around to show the neighborhood.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

When meeting a new client, it’s always important to case the area first to uncover any counter-surveillance. Even the smallest clues can give a lot of information. Is that bag lady an agent or just someone down on her luck? Sneaking an explosive in her shopping cart is good insurance either way.

(Scene change, Sam bumps into the bag lady while Fiona crawls under the shopping cart and attaches an explosive device.)

(Scene change, Sam, Michael, and Fiona are sitting at a table at the bar. The table is filled with finished mojitos indicating they’ve been sitting there for hours.)

Sam (Pete approaches the table and sits down): This is my friend Pete. He has a problem.

Michael: I hear someone has your money and you need us to get it back.

Pete: No, what? I just need a ride to Best Buy. I have to return this Guns ‘n Roses CD my mom bought me for my birthday. Sam said you have a car. If it’s a big deal, I could just take the bus.

Michael: Listen Pete, if you want our help we have to do this our way.

(Michael snatches the Best Buy bag from Pete.)

Pete: Hey, you can’t just take my stuff, give it back.

Fiona (cleaning her fingernails with a 7 inch dagger): Pete, we’re professionals. We’ve done this before. You’re going to have to trust us.

Pete (Standing up from the table): Listen, you guys just keep the bag, you’re fucking nuts. Keep the fucking receipt too. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

(Pete leaves the restaurant.)

Sam: I’m sorry about that. The pressure is getting to him.

Michael: It’s OK Sam. He has a young son… or daughter.

Michael: Fi, you’re going to have to get a hold of our money laundering friend, Barry, and give him a copy of this receipt. See if he can trace where the offshore accounts are.

Michael: And Sam, talk to some of your FBI buddies. See if they know anything about this Best Buy syndicate. What’s their market, who’s in charge, and most importantly, who’s their enemy.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam walk out of the restaurant in slow-mo. Michael puts his sunglasses on. Without looking down, Fiona pushes a key on her cell phone. In the background we see the bag lady exploding. They continue walking without flinching.)

(Fiona and Michael are in the front seat of Michael’s car. Sam is in the back seat.)

Sam: I wish we could have kept her alive. I’d like to have tried to get some information out of her.

Michael: With a criminal organization this large, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk to bad guys. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Sam and Fiona knowingly look at each other and smile.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Scene change to Michael’s loft. Michael exits his car in slow-mo and puts his sunglasses on. He enters the loft. He takes his sunglasses off in slow-mo. Fiona and Sam are waiting for him.)

(Inside Michael’s loft. Michael is eating a yogurt. Sam is drinking a beer. Fiona is cleaning a Glock.)

Michael: So Sam, what have you learned about this Best Buy syndicate?

Sam: It’s bad, Mike. Real bad. It’s a cartel that controls the entire electronics industry in Miami and beyond. They’ve slowly been killing off their competition one by one, Circuit City, CompUSA, Fry’s… it’s brutal. Even Apple won’t set up shop in Miami. It’s that bad. The only competition they have is a guy from Detroit. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He runs a chain of electronic stores under the name, Fretter Appliance.

Michael: Any news from Barry, Fi?

Fiona: He says they have accounts everywhere. Canada, Europe, they’re even taking over South America. They get cheap merch from China made by child slave labor and sell it throughout the world.

Fiona: I say we blow the whole place up, like we did in Belgrade.

Michael: They’re too big for that. If we blow up their local hoods, they’ll only send more. I’ve got a better idea. We’ve got to make them want to stay away.

(Fade out to Michael, dressed in a yellow suit, getting out of his car in slow-mo at the Best Buy parking lot.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

There’s two ways to approach a criminal organization. The first is as their friend, the second is as their enemy. While approaching as a friend may seem safer, you run the risk of being turned away. If you approach as an enemy, they have to deal with you. You just have to be prepared for how they decide to deal with you.

(Michael enters the Best Buy in slow-mo and takes off his sunglasses. He looks around. He finds a low level teenage employee and approaches him. Michael grabs the teen and slams him against a display.)

Michael: I need to talk to your boss. Where is he?

Employee: What the fuck, dude? If you don’t let me go I’ll call the cops.

Michael (Pushing the employee against the display): Tell your boss that my boss sent me. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He wants to come down from Detroit and set up shop here in Miami. He hired me to get rid of the competition before he gets here.

(Michael releases his grip on the employee. The employee runs away. Michael walks over to an employee directory hanging on the wall. It has the names of each employee along with photographs. He takes a picture of the directory with his cell phone. He then makes a call.)

Michael (on his cell phone): Fi, I found the local syndicate boss’ name. He’s Ted Arnold. I’m sending you a picture of him. After you track him down, tail him a bit. I want to know where he lives and who he deals with. Have Sam help you.

Fiona: I’ll get right on it. And, Michael, your mother called me. She needs to talk to you.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Sam: Mike, I got Ted’s name from Fi and ran it past my FBI and cop buddies. This guy is good, Mike. He has no record, at all. He’s perfectly clean. Too clean.

Michael: All great criminals have clean records, but those records are always forgeries.

Michael’s Voice Over:

If you’re a criminal and you want to hide your criminal past, it’s a good idea to replace your criminal file with a forged clean file. This fools the police into thinking you’re not a criminal.

Sam: Mike, this guy’s a ghost. But I got a lead, get this; he’s taking dance lessons over at Mariachi’s Dance Studio on Main.

Michael: I’ll meet you over there. I’ve just got to talk to Fi.

(Michael enters Fiona’s house. He takes off his sunglasses. Fiona is cleaning a rifle.)

Michael: Fi, I need a favor from you.

Fiona: What is it?

Michael: I need you to track down an A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle.

Fiona: Mike, that rifle was designed to stop rhinos in their tracks. Why do you need it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): Because I need to bring down a rhino. A criminal rhino.

(Michael and Fiona exit Michael’s car in slow-mo and approach Sam, who is waiting outside the dance studio.)

Sam: This Ted character is inside, “taking a class.” (Sam makes the quotation symbols with his hands.)

Michael: Who else is in there with him?

Sam: I’ve been casing the place for a few hours. (There are three empty bottles of tequila on the hood of Sam’s car.) There are some kids in there, their parents, about five dance teachers, and our Mr. Ted.

Fiona: That’s a lot of people, Michael, maybe I should lay down some C-4 on the exits in case anyone tries to get out.

Michael: Do you have any C-4 and detonators with you?

Fionna (Fiona opens a knapsack to reveal explosives and detonators.): Have we met before? (Fiona rolls her eyes.)

Michael: How long will it take?

Fiona: Give me five minutes.

(Montage scene of Fiona, Sam, and Michael installing the explosives and detonators on the exterior walls of the dance studio. Pounding industrial music plays in the background)

Fiona: Well, that’s it.

Sam: It’s show time Mike.

Michael (putting on his sunglasses): I’m ready.

(Michael, wearing the yellow suit, enters the dance studio in slow-mo.)

Michael (taking off his sunglasses): Which one of you is Ted Arnold?

Ted (the only adult male in the room.): I’m Ted Arnold, can I help you?

Michael: You can help my friend, Ollie, Ollie Fretter. Ollie wants to expand his business out of Detroit. You can help Ollie by getting out of town.

(Michael pulls out his cell phone in slow-mo and pushes a key. Nothing happens. He pushes a different key. The building starts to blow up. Everyone inside starts to run around knowing they only have seconds to live. Fiona hits Ted in the back of his head with the butt of her gun and knocks him out. Sam catches him and puts a black sack over his head.)

(Scene from inside Michael’s GTO’s trunk looking up. Sam, Michael, and Fiona dump Ted’s unconscious body in the trunk. The scene goes to black when the body hits the floor.)

(Scene change. Inside an abandoned warehouse Ted is tied to a chair with the black bag still on his head. Michael pulls off the black bag showing Ted’s bruised, bloodied face.)

Ted: What the fuck is going on?

Michael: I have a friend. You may have heard of him. Ollie, Ollie Fretter. I already told you this back at your hangout. Your former hangout. He’s thinking of expanding his operation from Detroit down to Miami. He wants you out of the way.

Ted: You’ve got me confused with someone else. I don’t deal drugs. I was just taking dance lessons to surprise my wife for our 10th anniversary. I work at Best Buy. I’m a nobody.

Michael (kicking Ted in his chest, knocking him and the chair backwards to the ground): I know drugs aren’t your racket, yet. You deal in electronics. I know all about your Chinese connections and worldwide distribution network. I know how you’ve killed off any and all competitors. I know how you use child slaves for labor. I know nearly everything. The only thing I don’t know is where I can exchange this for cash. (Michael is holding the Best Buy bag. Michael pulls out the CD along with the receipt showing them to Ted.)

Ted: You want to make a return? You want to return something at Best Buy? That’s what this whole thing is about? You killed about five people back at the studio, are you fucking nuts?

Michael: Just tell me what I want to know.

Ted: That’s easy. Just take it to the customer service counter and show them your receipt. They’ll give you the money. No questions asked. I promise.

Michael: Oh yeah, like it’s going to be that easy. I show up to make the return and your boys fill me full of lead. (Michael kicks Ted in the face.)

Ted (spitting out blood and teeth): What are you talking about? We’re a business. We don’t have any guns.

Michael: If you’re lying, I’m coming back to kill you. (Michael turns to leave.)

Ted: Wouldn’t you be dead?

Michael (turning back around and kicking Ted in the face): Yeah, and so will you.

(Michael leaves the warehouse and walks up to Sam and Fiona, who were watching the interrogation on a cell phone.)

Sam: You’re not gonna believe his crap, are you Mike? If we walk in there we’re dead.

Michael: We’re going to have to play the game his way, Sam. It’s the only plan we have. But just in case, Fi, can you get us a T-90?

Fiona: A T-90?! That’s a Russian tank. I have a friend who is an ex-KGB agent who just happens to live in Miami. He keeps an operational T-90 in his backyard and he owes me a favor. I’ll give him a call. What are you going to do with it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): I have a plan.

Michael’s Voice Over:

It’s quite common for an enemy to extend his hand to greet you, only to have that same hand pull you in close and stick a knife in your back with the other hand. The other hand that was holding the knife. Hidden from your view because he had that other hand behind his back. Or underneath his jacket.

The trick is to let them think you don’t know about the knife, and to show up to the meeting with something deadlier. Much deadlier.

(Scene change, Sam is hiding in the bushes outside Best Buy holding the A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle. Michael approaches.)

Michael: Good, you’re in place.

Sam: I don’t know what you’ve got planned, Mike, but I haven’t used a 577 since I left Indonesia. And did I mention I left Indonesia with a huge hole in it?

Michael: We can’t take any chances. These guys are too organized. They even have their own police force called the Geek Squad. You see those police vehicles down there. When the shit hits the fan, I want those vehicles destroyed.

Sam: Well, this is the rifle to do it. But where is Fi?

Michael: I’ve got a special plan for her. (Michael puts on his sunglasses) I’m heading in.

(Michael enters Best Buy in slow-mo wearing his yellow suit. He approaches the customer service counter and removes his sunglasses.)

Michael (leaning towards the employee behind the counter): Your boss Ted Arnold sent me here. He said I can return this for cash. (Michael places the bag containing the CD and the receipt on the counter.)

(The employee picks up the CD and looks at it. She then looks at the receipt. She turns her attention to Michael and smiles at him.)

Employee: No problem sir. I just need the credit card used to purchase this CD.

Michael: Well that sounds like a problem to me.

Michael (speaking into his bluetooth ear piece): Fi, it’s a go.

(Scene cuts to a wall inside Best Buy with a tank crashing through it. Fiona is in the tank and she starts blowing up merchandise in slow-mo. Customers start running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts to Sam outside, blowing up Geek Squad vehicles. Customers are running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts back to Michael in front of the now very scared customer service employee.)

Michael: So do you still need to see my credit card?

Employee: There’s nothing I can do. The tank took out our power, the registers aren’t even working. I can’t open them.

Michael (pointing a gun at the employee’s head): Does this help, you dirty child enslaving dirtbag?

Employee (with a confused but scared look on her face): I’ve got some money in my purse. I could give it to you.

(The employee tries to move toward the purse, but Michael shoots her in the leg.)

Employee: You shot me in the leg. I’m just trying to get my purse.

Michael: I just wanted to make sure the purse was all you got. It’s a flesh wound, you’ll live. Now get your purse and give me the money.

(The employee grabs her purse and throws her wallet to Michael in slow-mo. He looks inside and pulls out a small wad of cash. He puts it in his jacket pocket. In slow-mo he puts his sunglasses back on and walks through the devastated building.)

(Scene change to abandoned warehouse. Ted is lying dead, still tied to the chair. Pete is tied to another chair.)

Pete: What the fuck, dudes? Why did you kidnap me? All I wanted was a ride to Best Buy. (Pete, turning his head.) Oh my fucking god, is that guy dead?

Michael: We said we’d take care of your problem and help your kid. We got your money back, plus some extra for your kid. It’s about $48.

Pete: Are you the crazy fucks who blew up the Best Buy?! I heard about it on the radio. You guys did all that for 48 bucks?! You fuckers are crazy.

Fiona: I know this was hard for you, but we never do it for the money. We did it for your kid. He, or maybe she, can really use the money.

Pete: My kid? I haven’t seen that brat in years? My bitch ex-wife left me and won’t let me see him because I don’t pay child support.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam all look at each other knowingly.)

(Scene change to outside of warehouse. Sam, Fiona, and Michael are exiting the building in slow-mo.)

Sam: Well, that’s another case all wrapped up.

Fiona: Not quite yet. (Fiona pulls out her cell phone and presses a key. The entire warehouse explodes in slow-mo from multiple camera angles.)

Michael: I’ve got to leave; I have a meeting with someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Unknown Voice: Mr. Weston. It’s time we met. I’m someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned you. Meet me at the dry cleaners on South Leroy. Come alone.

(Close up shot on Michael with a concerned look on his face. He puts sunglasses on. Takes them off again. Looks at sunglasses. Realizes he took his mother’s sunglasses by mistake. He puts them back on and smiles.)

(Fade to black.)

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The point of the ad is that language is ambiguous. And due to that ambiguity, internet searches can be filled with irrelevant results.

The selling point of the ad is that somehow Bing cuts through the ambiguity inherent in language and somehow “knows” what you’re really searching for.

My hypothesis is that Microsoft has developed mind reading technology. To test that hypothesis I’ve decided to do three searches of the word “salsa.” During the first search I’ll think about how delicious salsa is to eat. During the second search I’ll think about how sexy salsa dancers are. And during the last search I’ll think about pink elephants. Here we go….

Ok, I’m back. I did the three searches and got the exact same results each time.

As you can see, Bing did not read my mind. Despite the fact that I was thinking about salsa to eat and sexy salsa dancers, I got results about bicycles. What’s up with that?! What does bicycles have to do with eating salsa or sexy salsa dancers?! And not once did I get any results about a pink elephant eating salsa or a sexy pink salsa dancing elephant.

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The major health insurance companies around the country are reporting a significant increase in small businesses offering health care benefits to their employees.

Why?

Because the tax cut created in the new health care reform law providing small businesses with an incentive to give health benefits to employees is working.

Damn socialist small business owners, trying to help people live better lives. I hope they burn in HELL!

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Anyway, as there are hundreds of cars and trucks in front of me, I can only go as fast as they are. Riding my rear bumper will in no way allow me to violate the laws of physics and pass through those cars and trucks. You understand that, right?

So my question to you is, why? Why are you tailgating me? As I said before, tailgating cannot cause me to move faster than the car in front of me. So why are you doing it?

The only reasonable answer I can come up with is that you like tailgating. So I do you a huge favor and slow down to 45 mph and set my cruise. However, you don’t appear to like that either. It appears to get you very agitated. It causes you to swerve your vehicle back and forth. It also causes you to attempt to pass me on the right, despite there being no real road over there.

It should go without saying, but your actions leave me highly perplexed. On one hand you seem to love tailgating, on the other hand, when I slow down to make it easier for you, you get pissed.

Please respond in the comments as to what is expected of me when you tailgate my truck in a single-lane construction zone. Thanks.

Well, there’s my exit, see you tomorrow.

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Maybe one day the workers in China will get together and form a national union to ensure workers’ rights. Maybe through their collective efforts they could make a workers’ paradise. Heck, maybe they could turn the entire country into some sort of commune where everyone has to do their fair share and they all benefit from the profits.

I wonder if that could ever work. It’s amazing that no people have ever tried it.

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If you want to figure how many people read a column from the number of comments, try multiplying by at least 1000.

Thus, since I sometimes get one comment per post, that means I must be getting at least 1000 readers per day! Wow! That’s fricken awesome!

Just in case Cringely the Third is wrong, ’cause maybe I’m getting more than a thousand readers each day… you’d better vote in my poll below so I can get a more accurate estimate. Thanks!

Update – April 14, 2010:

Well, the results of the poll are in and they’re not good:

Using Cringley the Third Logic, since one person voted “yes,”, that means a thousand people read my blog. That’s good, right?

However, and this is the unfortunate part, one person voted that he does not read it. Thus, using the same patented Cringley the Third Logic, there are actually a thousand people who do not read my blog.

Subtracting the thousand that don’t read it from the thousand who do, and I’m left with no readers. Shit, this sucks.

* His real name is actually Mark C. Stephens and he’s the third person to write under the Cringely name

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I’ve always thought of the story as a philosophic exercise into what love and duty really are. If you love someone because of what they do for you, then you don’t really love them. You love what they do for you. If someone else comes along with a better offer, you’d switch your love to them.

That interpretation makes sense when you’re merely pushing ideas and concepts to their logical conclusions for the fun of it, but in the real world it doesn’t make sense.

For example, in the real world we have love and have a duty to our wives, but when they try to fuck us over, we divorce them. We have a duty to our commanding officer, but if they betray us and lead us into an unjust war, we go to Canada. We have a duty to our boss, but when a better offer comes along, we take it.

Simply put there is no lesson in Job that we can use in the real world. So either it’s a compete mental masturbation into the meaning of “love” and “duty” or it’s something else.

I finally figured out what that something else is. The story of Job is satire. The easiest way to view it as satire is putting into the context of a vaudeville sketch.

Imagine Abbot as God, Costello as Satan, and some other poor slub as a farmer.

In vaudeville, the high-falutin guy is always a putz who lacks common sense, whether he is a professor, a politician, a boss, or a deity.

So God would be that pompous putz who needs to be brought down a notch.

If this story only had a farmer as a second character, he would be the person to give God his comeuppance. But farmers and other slacked jawed yokels become objects of ridicule when they’re combined with another character, the self-made smart-aleck, e.g., bugs bunny.

In this sketch Costello is playing Satan. He’s the guy who told his high-falutin boss to take a hike and set out on his own. People love that character.

So here’s the scene. God and Job the farmer are on the stage. Job is exaggeratingly telling God how much he loves him. God then gives him a bountiful crop. Job grovels some more, and God gives him beautiful wife (with fantastic cleavage, remember it’s vaudeville). This goes back and fourth and on and on….

Satan is on the side looking at this love-fest with a joyful disgust. He’s looking over at the audience gesturing, “Can you believe these retards?”

Finally, he can’t take anymore and he decides to fuck with them, i.e., he tries to break up the moronic lovebirds.

Satan tricks God into screwing over Job time and time again. The audience certainly knows that Satan is playing God like a fiddle, that he’s making God do exactly what he wants. The audience laughs at the pompous putz who is completely unaware that he’s being played.

In the end the hayseed is completely fucked over and God screws over the one person on earth that really loved him. And it was all done by a that plucky upstart who we all want to be.

When put into that context, the story is hilariously entertaining. It’s no longer mental masturbation that only a few eggheads would enjoy, it’s something nearly everyone would enjoy. That’s why the story survived. It was funny.

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Anyway, I had to have my truck serviced because his insurance company would not total it out.  After picking up my truck from the service department I noticed that the ABS light was on, indicating that my ABS brakes were not working.  I took it back to the service department and they promptly fixed the problem.

However, in going over the rest of my brakes the mechanic discovered I had a serious brake fluid leak in my rear brakes.  In other words, my brakes were about to go out.  And the only reason I found out about it was because the other driver decided to ram his car into my truck.

Clearly, the accident was no accident at all.  It was all a part of God’s mysterious plan.  God knew my brakes would go out, so he set up a situation where a mechanic would look at my truck.  That didn’t work, so he made sure my ABS light came on to give the mechanic a second chance to find the problem, fix the problem, and save me and my family’s lives.

Thank you God, so very very much!

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Cambridge, MA: Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have finally succeeded in creating the long sought after mobius pizza, a one sided pizza completely covered with toppings.

Science has long been aware that pizza lovers prefer toppings more than a bare crust. “We’ve attempted to solve this problem by adding flavorings and or cheese to outer crust or to make a deep dish styled pie filled with toppings,” stated MIT’s Chief Scientist of Foodology, Dr. John Jacobs. “Of course such actions did nothing regarding the pizza’s long ignored side, the bottom side.”

To read the rest of this blog entry, head on over to BBSpot!

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